


a flood of blood to the heart.

by Keepyousatisfied



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dark, M/M, Sad, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5288069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keepyousatisfied/pseuds/Keepyousatisfied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You met him when you were five and he started talking to you about robots and physics and you didn’t understand a word he was saying, but you shared your crayons with him anyway.</p><p>---</p><p>A lot of memories. A lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a flood of blood to the heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what happened. I don't usually write (I'm a reader) but I was dealing with my own thoughts and this happened. It's pretty sad so please click away if you're not feeling like reading something sad. English isn't my first language though, so there may be some errors in it but I reread it several times and I think I got most of them.  
> (Title from Bloodflood II - Alt-J, best band ever!)

> _“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.”_

_\- Lemony Snicket_

* * *

 

He walks you home from school on Monday – he presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, wipes your hair from your face and tells you he’ll see you tomorrow.

You don’t see him on Tuesday.

You think he’s sick or skipping school (again) and you text him to ask but he doesn’t reply. It’s not a big deal, he’s probably busy being a genius and got lost in his endless thoughts. It happens a lot.

You walk home alone, drink tea with your mother, text him a few more times and go to bed early. You’re a bit disappointed you didn’t get a goodnight text. You’ll deal with it, though. You’re a big boy.

* * *

You wake up at midnight because your mother is sitting on the edge of your bed. She’s stroking your hair and you blink a few times because you’re sleepy but you smile at her anyway.

She’s crying silently and it takes you a moment to figure out something’s wrong because your mother is strong and doesn’t cry and it’s late. ‘’What’s wrong?’’ you ask her – your voice sounds hoarse because honestly, you’re still half asleep.

‘’Sweetheart,’’ she starts, and it’s shaky and fragile, ‘’Sweetheart, there’s been an accident.’’  
You blink a few times and you feel a little dizzy because you know somethings coming – you’re just not sure what it’s going to be.  
‘’He’s gone, Stevie, Tony’s gone. I’m so sorry.’’

You shake your head because _no_ , that’s not possible but she doesn’t stop crying and you feel your chest constricting. You pinch your leg because you’re dreaming – you’re sure you’re dreaming – but it hurts, it really, _really_ hurts and you can’t wake up.

You lift your covers to inspect your thigh – there are 4 small bruises, the shape of your fingertips – and suddenly, you’re drowning.

* * *

 It happens like this:

Tony got home from school, played chess with Jarvis, had dinner with him too and went to his room to work on one of his never-ending projects. His parents came home at 10, called him from his room and told him they had to go to his grandmother because she was a.) sick and b.) probably dying.

You don’t really want to know what happens next – you pretend you don’t but you do. His father was driving too fast – lost control and crashed his car against a tree. Tony wasn’t wearing a seatbelt because he was in the backseat and _‘seatbelts are overrated, cupcake, nothing can happen to me. I’m made of iron.’_

* * *

You met him when you were five and he started talking to you about robots and physics and you didn’t understand a word he was saying, but you shared your crayons with him anyway.

* * *

Your ma lets you stay home for a few days so you lock yourself in your room and don’t leave your bed. You’re not hungry and when she forces you to eat something, you feel nauseous and throw up. She strokes your hair and hums a song she used to sing when you were little. It takes some time, but you fall asleep in her lap eventually.

 

* * *

 

 

He kisses you when you’re both fourteen and he ran away for the first time. He wasn’t good at it back then – he was at the subway station when he remembered he didn’t bring any money and he wasn’t good enough with people to talk a stranger into lending him some.

You find him at your doorstep at night. You sit down next to him and don’t ask him what happened because you _know_ , Jarvis called you.

You don’t speak to each other for a long time but he starts talking about some math-problem eventually and it makes you smile. He looks at you with his big brown eyes and it makes your skin tingle. You didn’t understand why then.

You don’t really see it coming when he presses his lips against yours and it takes you some time to process it but you really want to kiss him back, so you do. It’s not really how you imagined it would be – it’s wet and weird but it’s _really_ nice, too.

When it’s over, you open your eyes and he’s looking at you again. Taking you in. Your cheeks heat up and you want to say something – _anything –_ but then he smiles and you can’t help it, you smile back.

He grabs your hand, interlaces his fingers with yours and you feel so _so_ happy.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a family-funeral and you’re angry – everyone is talking about the great man Howard Stark, about his sweet wife Maria and their son ‘the prodigy’. Tony hated that word, you do too.

Jarvis hugs you when he sees you and you hug him back because he’s probably the only one who understands that the world didn’t lose a _prodigy,_ it lost a _miracle_. It lost a boy with big, curious eyes and a heart of gold.

 

* * *

 

 

 _‘’You’re gorgeous.’’_ he tells you – you’re fifteen and you’re too skinny and too small for your age. You look at him for a long time – at his wild hair and wilder eyes. He’s smiling and it warms you up from inside, so you smile back.

‘’ _You’re a good liar.’’_ you answer. He looks at you like you’ve grown an extra head and shakes his head. ‘’I wouldn’t lie to you, Steven,’’ he says, and his voice sounds so sincere that you don’t answer – you kiss him instead.

That’s an answer, too.

 

* * *

 

 

You wake up at noon because someone’s talking to you. You blink a few times and you see him, Bucky, sitting on the edge of your bed. You’re not really awake but you move over, anyway. He puts his feet on your pillow and you’re too tired to be bothered by it.

‘’Natasha’s home alone tonight,’’ he says, and he smiles, but you know it’s fake. ‘’We can go there.’’ You make a noise but you don’t answer. You just close your eyes again and grab your sheets a little tighter. You know he’s looking at you, because you’ve known him all your life, _of course_ you know when he’s looking at you – but you don’t want him to see you like this. Closing your eyes helps you pretend he isn’t.

‘’Come on, Steve,’’ he tries, and you suddenly feel very awake and you _know_ you don’t want to have this conversation – not now, not ever. You don’t open your eyes.

‘’It’s been a week, Steve, you have to go outside _some time.’’_ You don’t know what to say or what to do. You open your eyes and look at him – he’s not sad, not broken, not like you, and it makes you so angry you jump up. You feel dizzy but you’re too stubborn to pass out.

‘’A _week?_ ’’ you say, like it’s an insult, because it is. ‘’It’s been a _week_ and I already have to pretend I’m fine? Okay, fine, let’s go. Let’s get ice cream, too, because we have to celebrate, right?! Because I’m so _fucking_ happy right now, I could die.’’

You’re screaming and you know it’s unfair to Bucky because you know he’s trying, but you don’t really care. Bucky flinches and looks away. ‘’I know, Steve, I’m sorry, I just-..’’ He’s trying, you know, but you’re not, not anymore.

 _‘’Get out.’’_ That’s what you tell him. It’s cold and unlike you, but you don’t have enough energy to care anymore. He looks at you, nods, and leaves.

The world is pressing down on you when you sit down on your bed again. You scream into your pillow to make it stop.

 

* * *

 

 

‘’Do you remember Zoe?’’ he asks you. You smile because _yes, you do._ Zoe was Tony’s nanny when he was eight – she never wore shoes and she smelled like tangerines, you liked her. Tony has a crooked grin on his face when you look up at him and you shake your head because you know what he’s thinking. You always do.

‘’I was convinced I would marry her, you know,’’, he says, ‘’she somehow made freckles and crooked teeth look _extremely_ attractive.’’ You have to bite your lip to keep yourself from laughing. You don’t think he’d mind, though. He’s lying on your bed and he’s looking at the ceiling, smiling happily and you know you couldn’t ruin this moment, even if you tried. He’s completely relaxed right now.

‘’I’m sure you’d have made beautiful babies.’’ you tell him, your tone faux-serious. He looks at you and snorts. ‘’Absolutely, my genes _are_ dominant after all.’’ He turns to his side, looking at you with a twinkle in his eyes and you squirm because he’s either going to say something really inappropriate or something really shocking, you know that look.

 _‘_ ’I’d rather have babies with you, though.’’ _There it is_ , you think, and you make a noise that’s far too high-pitched. He starts laughing then, loudly, and your cheeks are so hot you almost feel feverish (in a good way). You want to say something, anything, but you shove a pillow in his face instead.

You can still hear him laughing and you smile because he’s _Tony,_ and he’s so far from your comfort-zone it makes your fingers tingle – but he also makes you the happiest person alive.

 

* * *

 

 

You wake up to the sound of music – a cello, you think, but it’s a pleasant tune. It’s a nice sound to wake up to. You turn, facing away from the wall, and you’re greeted by the sight of fiery red hair and piercing blue eyes. She’s looking at you and you’re still extremely stubborn, so you stare back.

‘’You’re even skinnier than last month.’’ Her voice sounds like snow crackling under your boots, but in a pleasant way. You like Natasha – her company doesn’t bother you as much as Bucky’s does nowadays. ‘’You should eat.’’ She adds, conversationally. You smile – it’s almost genuine.

‘’Yes,’’ you tell her, ‘’I should, but I won’t.’’ You think your salivary glands stopped working three weeks ago – food feels like sand in your mouth and the only things you’re able to eat are mashed potatoes and porridge. You don’t like the taste, but it keeps you alive, and that’s important to your ma.

‘’You know,’’ Natasha starts, and she breaks eye-contact so you know this is going to be important, ‘’he was worth more than this.’’ You close your eyes because you don’t know what she means, but you do, but you don’t want to. You want to turn around again, ignore her, hide. You can’t, no one can ignore Natasha. You don’t answer, so she continues.

‘’He was my friend too, Steve,’’ she adds, and meets your eyes again, ‘’he was my friend and he loved you most of all, you’re his legacy now. Don’t ruin this for him’’

You feel like you’re drowning and you think you are. You close your eyes and try to think _happy thoughts_ , your school counselor told you it would help. You don’t calm down but you’re able to open your eyes again.

When you look at your room again, she’s gone. You can still smell her perfume.

 

* * *

 

 

‘’I always hated Disney movies, you know?’’ His voice sounds hoarse and sleepy. You were about to fall asleep too, but you’re awake now and turn to face him. He’s lying on his back, looking at the high ceiling of his mansion-bedroom and you feel like painting him. You’d use reds and browns because all you feel is _warmth._

‘’Why is that?’’ you ask him, and you reach out to stroke his hair. His eyes meet yours and he smiles – not his most charming smile because he’s a minute away from falling asleep. It makes you shiver anyway.

‘’Because it’s too good to be true,’’ he starts, ‘’It sets expectations about love and life no one is ever able to meet.’’ You laugh and bury your nose in his throat – he smells like Christmas and leather because you’ve been helping Jarvis with the decorations all day.

‘’Okay.’’ It’s not really an answer, but you can’t think of anything else to say. You don’t want to talk; you want to feel. You want to wake up with his hair in your nose and his bony elbow poking your ribs because it makes you feel like the happiest man alive.

‘’I like them now, though.’’ You smile, and fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

 You’re failing your classes and you have no idea what you should do about it, really. You’re trying but you can’t concentrate and you can’t stop feeling like he’ll walk through the school doors again – tanned and beautiful, because he came back from a vacation to Haiti or someplace else you’ll never go.

You have to see your school counselor three times a week and you never say a word. She’s nice, though. She makes you tea with milk and honey because she’s British and likes it. You like it too. It smells like old movies.

 

* * *

 

 

His fingers are bruising your hips and he head-butts you accidentally. You don’t mind, though. Especially when you’re looking up into his eyes. They’re twinkling, like the stars when you’re far away – somewhere light-pollution doesn’t exist.

You feel like fire and magic – the air feels like fairy dust on your skin. You know it’s not _perfect,_ you’re not pretending it is. It hurts and you’ve read enough online to know it should, _it will get easier in time_ , _it will be clumsy_ and _you’re allowed to make mistakes._

It doesn’t feel like the articles said it would, though. You think it feels like going to Disneyland for the first time, too small to ride all the rollercoasters but knowing you will _one day_ and it will be as magical as you thought it would be.

He kisses your tears away afterwards and his fingers brush the hair from your face. He looks a bit dazed, but he also looks concerned and it makes you smile. You kiss his hand.

‘’I’m sorry if I hurt you,’’ he says, and you bury your face in his shoulder because you like his smell and it’s warm and safe and _home._ ‘’I know,’’ you tell him, and you look up at him, ‘’I don’t mind.’’ He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and you sit up a bit.

You’re leaning over him now, and look into his eyes – big, beautiful eyes. ‘’I do.’’ His eyes are apologetic and you laugh – out loud, breaking the cozy silence of the room. You press your lips to his and lay back down.

‘’It was magic.’’

You’re not lying.

 

* * *

 

 

He met you when you were five, he kissed you when you were fourteen and he makes love to you on New Year’s Eve. _Moments,_ you think, and you close your eyes to the smell of winter. The smell of pine trees and snow. You smile – for the first time in months.

The water feels like fire when it hits your skin, but it doesn’t stop you. It makes you feel, _that’s what counts_ , and it’s comforting in a twisted way. You know you shouldn’t do this, but you’re tired and a little numb and no one’s stopping you. This is it – this is your moment, this is his legacy and this is the happy ending you’re going to get – comforting cold.

 

* * *

 

 

‘ _’What the hell were you thinking_?!’’ He was screaming. You’ve known him for more than ten years and you’ve never seen him this angry. You stand on your toes a bit, trying to make yourself look bigger and more intimidating but you’re not fooling him. He looks at you, expecting something, but you cross your arms over your chest and you refuse to say a word.

He’s getting desperate now, burying his face in his hands and moving them up to his messy hair, gripping it tightly ( _painfully,_ you think). You want to move, closer or away – you’re not sure yet – but everything hurts. Your ribs are bruised, your jaw is broken and your brain feels like the stew your ma makes on Fridays. You close your eyes and _breathe_ because you still can.

Tony’s shaking his head furiously and you want to comment on it but you can’t – both physically and mentally. He looks at you like he’s made his mind up and walks towards you. He kisses you like you’re something precious. You’re surprised at first but go with it anyway – your jaw hurts like hell but you can’t find the energy to care.

He stops, looks at you and smiles – soft and gentle and a little pained. You try to make your eyes a little bit bigger, like a puppy, because you know you’ve put the pain there and you’re feeling a tiny bit guilty (guilty, _not sorry)._

‘’Don’t do that again, please,’’ he says, ‘’I can’t do this without you, I think.’’ He sounds a little too broken and a lot too in love but you kiss him again and nod against his lips.

 

* * *

 

 

You wake up to stark white walls and the smell of disinfectant. You know where you are but you want to ignore it for as long as you can. You hear a voice in your head – _you idiot, you’re so stupid, god, why did you do that?_ It’s comforting, not being alone right now. Even if you made it up.

You hear real voices, too. You hear your mother and Bucky talking about Christmas decorations. You hear Natasha and Peggy talking about books and you know Thor’s there too – he’s quiet but you can feel his presence.

You feel light – in a way. Almost happy. Like some weight has lifted, like you’re free, but you’re still tired and you fall asleep within minutes.

 _Maybe –_ you think, as you’re drifting off – _maybe I’ll talk to them again tomorrow._

 _Maybe –_ the voice in your head answers – _maybe that’s enough for now._

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on my new [tumblr](http://loverscomeloversgo.tumblr.com), too!


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